Mothers’ Day: The Review

“It’s 2016 and dads are cringing at the word tampons? Really? That’s a win for feminism right there.”

 

Can an all-star cast evoke some deep philosophical thinking about motherhood? My marathon through ‘Mother’s Day’: 

13mins

So far the highlight has been a large bubble-wrapped womb in a garage.

18mins

Completely agreeing with Peter Bradshaw’s comment that no-one, absolutely no-one, ever asks ‘what are you doing for Mother’s Day?’ Especially to someone who has lost his wife.

Skype on film: always poor story telling.

So far this film has instigated no deep thoughts about motherhood whatsoever.

23mins

We have the old-female-jealous-of-young-female scene. Then Jennifer Anniston is sad because the young-new-wife made perfect cookies. I finally start to feel something: it is a bit gut-wrenching when someone makes your kids better cookies than you do. And her ex-husband has the cheek to ask for some Mother’s Day time for his new wife. Okay. Okay. I am getting roped into the Jennifer Anniston scenes but it’s possibly only because her ex-husband is Timothy Olyphant.

Moving on to the crazy tampon scene. Really? It’s 2016 and dads are cringing at the word tampons? Really? That’s a win for feminism right there.

29mins

Jennifer Anniston looks tiny in her big steel kitchen on her own while her children are at Dad’s with the new wife. It’s a lonely image. She’s being developed nicely as the mum-who-has-nothing-else-in-her-life-but-her-children. This reminds me of Susan Jeffers, who says you should have 9 aspects of your life and children should just be one of them. But when a hurricane hits your life, you don’t really have time to take stock and count to nine. And when the storms calms, there you are: drinking wine in an empty kitchen.

I’m sure Jennifer Anniston will have a happy ending in this film and we can all be assured that loneliness is a myth.

There’s now a women-being-supportive scene by a sand pit. Everyone is extremely skinny. Two women on screen discussing how they’re certain about kids and not certain about marriage. That actually feels refreshing. Children are now a safer option than men. Interesting to know. It reminds me of my I’d-rather-be-a-single-mother than a married-mother phase.

35mins

New Young Wife is really imposing on Jennifer Anniston’s Mother-Turf. What a bitch.

And we’re back to Julia Roberts’ version of Miranda Priestley.

37mins

Actually laughing at Jennifer Anniston’s car jealousy meltdown. Pretty good.

40mins

Daughter copies dad’s behaviour. Dad doesn’t understand Shakespeare. Daughter is smarter. Having children makes you feel stupid. Turns out his daughter does all the cooking. Another feminism win.

46mins

Jennifer Anniston and Julia Roberts are sat together at a table.

JA: Do you have kids?

JR: No. Career. Keeps me busy.

Is this the script we’re all supposed to use?

And Julia suggests the rumours that women only hire people they like are true by giving Jennifer the job because she has a son with asthma and looked humbled at a compliment. Although I do like that Julia made Jennifer feel better. Conversing with New Young Wife: negative move. Conversing with women like Julia: positive move. One woman made all the difference.

48mins

Wondering why Kate Hudson’s shirt is still open.

51mins

Time out from Mothers stuff to give screen time to Kate Hudson’s racist, homophobic parents.

52mins

Now Kate’s husband is frantically packing a bag because, despite it being obvious why she would lie about her Beelzebub parents, he can’t possibly spend another night under the same roof as her and his child.

54mins

Starting to think about the places in this film. We’ve had a sand pit, a variety of sub-urban, contemporary homes complete with steel and white gloss, a restaurant, a gym, a bar and a football pitch.

55mins

We’re starting to change montage: cue Ed Sheeran.

57mins

Over-blown crazy children’s party. The kind that you watch when you’re ten and feel immensely  dissatisfied with your life forever after.

1h08

Jennifer Anniston hates that she feels so replaceable. But it’s okay because there’s a clown on hand. She gets her highs from Julia Roberts and clowns. Oh. And Julia has a daughter after all. And she’s asked if she’s a mum for the 2nd time.

Some advice I can get behind: we get to choose who we know. I’ve forgotten the rest of the scene already.

1h10

Feeling the single dad’s pain as his teenage daughter runs in and doesn’t say night. I remember doing to the same to my parents, hurrying upstairs to keep some dream alive! But now I understand because my cat won’t stalk me anymore. He’s been here a week now and he’s bored of me already. The rejection is painful.

1h14

The only Brit in the house Jack Whitehouse fuels the fake myth that mothers are naturally more attuned to their babies than fathers are. He has no idea when his child will be sick, he says, but his girlfriend does…because she’s a mother. Everyone cheers and it’s sickening. Whitehouse needs to spend more time with his kid and learn the signs of oncoming vomit. The conception of intuition: time spent with child.

1h16

When Jennifer Anniston gets the Young New Wife’s mother’s day present: awkward. I even gasped. I think she’s the only character I care about.

1h18

Jennifer is rising above it all like a pro. But I feel she should make her ex take their children to the dentist at least once. The biggest thing a dad has done in this movie is buy tampons.

1h21

Cue awful out-of-control trailer country scene.

Oh.

It’s a trick.

Right.

And yet more racism. I can’t decide whether this is a good thing, as it’s sadly realistic, or a bad thing: because it’s just so flippantly done.

 

1h25

I can’t buy into the dad’s resolution scene because I’m too cynical after the last one.

1h27

Really hoping that Jennifer Anniston finds something else to do when her children aren’t there other than running.

1h28

Oh God the kid said ‘I want my mummy’ and I actually welled up. Am I attempting balance out my extreme cynicism by being overwhelmingly soppy?!

1h30

Now the dad is singing karaoke and being the fool again.

1h32

Welling up again at a photo album. Julia Roberts chose career because she didn’t want to replace her first love and lost child. Every woman has her own story. Sometimes it’s really not a choice, even if you wish it could be.

1h35

All ready for the predictable ending. Jennifer Anniston is going to find something else to do other than run. And of course it involves a man.

1h40

Julia Roberts has cracking legs.

1h43

There’s a nice vintage wedding dress. This is the depth of my feelings.

1h44

‘Hold it high so we both look skinny’. Ha. Funny.

It’s now dark.

But I guess there are worse films in the world. Like Snakes on a Plane.

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